New Blog, New Year

The old blog was full of photos and I'd have had to pay monthly to have more storage and keep going- so why not just start a new blog!? So here we are- a blog I wanted to start a while ago when we almost moved to Connecticut. I was going to chart our lives in more of a photojournalistic way since I REALLY love that art- and decided not to do it since we didn't move across the country. But how silly I've been not to! Life is an adventure even if you still live in the same town and lead relatively "normal" life- right? My kids do something every day that I think to myself, "I should really write that down.." And I feel so behind on blogging that I just don't do it at all.  So my new goal is to write a blog post EVERY DAY--and no they will not be long. Highlights from that day, things that made me happy or sad, my struggles and joys as a mother.  This is for my children- for my family.  My cousin +Chandi Allen has been so great at blogging each day and I was totally inspired by her. She is a great mother and a good example to me!  She works out of home and still seems to keep things so together. I feel like I fail each day as a mom and have to try VERY hard to be the mommy I always dreamed of being.  Today was the first fast Sunday of the year and I realized I was simply going through the motions of fasting and not really praying for anything. I was venting to my mom in the hall about how hard church is and how I really don't have a testimony of bringing young children to church. I can never listen to anything and never feel the spirit.  She said "Maybe that's something you should fast for.." I rolled my eyes but realized she was right.  I came home, went through the motions of feeding the kids, getting laundry in the wash from Connor pooping in his bed last night and got the kids down for naps. I had been really feeling my physical hunger as I watched the kids eat and really wanted to chow down.  But instead I came into my room, and got on lds.org and tried to find articles on parenting and how to understand my kids. Mostly Connor who is 3 and VERY difficult right now.  I want him to grow up and be over this phase so badly! But then I read articles and thoughts of parents who are done with small children and they ALL miss it. It goes by fast- according to them. It's going by at snail's pace from where I sit- but yet it IS weird that I have a 3 year old who can carry on full conversations with me. How did we go from "He can say THIS word" to "he never stops talking...where did he learn to say that?" He's incredibly smart and sweet and his favorite phrase is "I love you- you're my best friend".  Heavenly Father sent us a very busy, active, curious, CRAZY son but thank goodness he gave him that attribute to know to say he loves us. He asks us when we're frustrated with him, "Are you happy?" because he can clearly tell that in that moment we are SO NOT.  But his little question sometimes humbles me and I realize how important it is to him that I be happy. How much he is striving to see me smile.  A few weeks ago I was feeding Parker and it was one of those days where I was at my wits end.  Connor sweetly said from his spot at the table- "Mommy- smile!" I realized how cross my face was and how he really wanted to see his mommy smile.  That is wisdom beyond his age and I realized in that moment and in many more like it that we really are to be led by children.  They are so strong and valiant and they have been saved for this time to lead us in times of trial.

Part of my struggle has been my desperate need to hang on to this "identity" or "me time".  Not that I hate spending time with my kids- but I just really feel like I'm important and deserve to have quiet time, or a nap, or a long bath. I've been spoiled with a husband who was unemployed and home to give me those luxuries. But the more spoiled I got the harder it came to connect with my kids and to feel motherly affection for them. This is hard to admit but I really have had moments where I resent them and just long for the days when I could do whatever I wanted! But oh how sad that life would be.  I look at friends and family who struggle with bearing children, and I remember the days when it was hard to conceive Connor and I want to hit myself upside the head. This is the biggest thing I have ever done and will ever do.  I will never regret losing those hours of sleep to comfort my kids instead of berate them for waking up early. And watching a video today on motherhood helped me realize where I've been lacking- faith. I feel like this phase will never end, I get angry that I'm SUPPOSED to be enjoying this but I'm too tired to see straight.  But maybe if I had a little more faith that the Lord would strengthen me and make my burdens lighter- I'd be a better person, a better mother and a better daughter of God.  This is the life I dreamed of for years. I went through many trials to come to this day when I'd be happily married with beautiful children.  And while we still struggle, we have no money- we live at home, and we feel we'll never be able to be independent...we are SO blessed. We have a happy and fulfilling marriage full of communication and love. We have children who are healthy, smart, happy and get LOTS of attention. We have our health and strength.  We have our education which can never be taken away. We have families who love us and support us.  We have programs that have made it possible for our kids to have insurance and healthy food while we are in a time of our lives where we cannot provide those things on our own.  Many people judge and turn their nose up to people like us who have to have Medicaid. But we have done all we can on our end in this life to be successful people. We went to school, we've applied for jobs all over, I work from home doing two jobs and have lots of pressure to make ends meet. If we didn't have those benefits our stresses would be much higher. They are a blessing to us and we know that in time we will more than make up for the assistance we've received.

I love my sweet kids. I love Connor and his energy. 

I wish he'd lend me some. I know that if I try harder to teach him and be his friend that his energy will be channeled and he'll be happier- and so will I. 

I love my dear tender Parker and how much he adores me.  

He's a momma's boy through and through and loves to hang on my leg, crawling along with me or walking along with my leg.  He loves to be snuggled and OH how I love this! He is my reward for surviving Connor thus far who has been so busy and hyper! Parker is my mellow quiet sweet friend who will hopefully always want to hug me.

I am so blessed to have a husband I adore.  I cannot say in words how much I love this man. He is my best friend, and someone I cannot wait to spend eternity with. He is an amazing father to our kids and full of patience and understanding.  He is sweet to me and helps me be a patient mother.  He talks to me and shares his feelings with me and we have no problem talking about any topic. We support each other and know each other on such a wonderful level. I don't doubt our longevity for a moment. We will make it no matter what comes our way!

This post was not going to be this long but I guess it's a result of feeling the spirit so strongly and needing to verbalize all my feelings! I can't wait to post about the Tyrrel Times and our adventures!!!