It's time to DREAM again.

I never published this....so here it is!

I remember as a teenager being a big time DREAMER. Like big time. I was determined to be a famous singer, be on Broadway (until I found out they do 8 shows a week...not so much) live in New York and just LIVE THE DREAM. Then when I went to Diamond Talent I became even more of a dreamer because for the first time I was told I really COULD do those things. And yes I could have. If I had really REALLY wanted to. But admittedly deep down I wanted a family. I wanted a pretty normal life. The older I got I realized what fame and fortune is really like and no I would never want that lifestyle. So it's good that some dreams don't really work out. But there have been times in life when I feel like I cheated myself by not at least trying. I had my bags packed once ready to go to San Diego to audition for American Idol. Like car loaded and everything. I got talked out of it after realizing I could be there for up to a week if all went well and how could I take that much time away from my jobs and stuff? So I never went. I don't really regret that but I feel like it set a standard for many other things. That sacrifice and throwing caution to the wind is simply not worth it.  I think somewhere along the way with all of the missed chances and broken plans with Ben's job hunting I forgot how to dream.  But this past few days I realized how much I REALLY want to dream again and set new goals.

The most common question we've been asked since moving here by both locals and our friends in Utah is: "So are you buying a house or just renting?" Ok. Seriously people? This is NOT an affordable place. After 4 years of unemployment you don't typically get approved for a home loan...that will take time. And even then- the MINIMUM we'd pay for a house is 500K. That's for an average if not smaller home.  If you can't tell I was getting quite annoyed that people kept thinking this was in the range of possibility for us. I still can't understand how so many people live in mansions in Southern Utah let alone Southern California! The idea of owning a home is SO far off our radar it's not even funny. But lately I thought...maybe if we can grow our business and Ben gets some good raises we can stash money and have a pretty sweet downpayment...

The other day I looked at how much interest has accrued on our student loans. Sick. We had no intention of hurrying to pay these off until I saw that. So now I have two ambitions that have snuck up on me. Buy a home and paying off student loans. Those are not cheap ambitions.

Our photography business has grown tremendously in Southern Utah and I left a great clientele behind.  Starting fresh here is very overwhelming. Especially with a third baby on the way. But I look at those who truly succeed and make very good careers out of it and I realize how HARD they work and that they started with a DREAM. They didn't stumble upon success. Neither did I thus far. I've worked really hard doing my homework, practicing, learning the hard way, learning the fun way etc. So why can't I thrive in a place where the population is SO much larger? I can. And I will.
In many ways our lives were on hold, not moving forward financially or professionally. But I choose to look at it differently. We tried out a lot of dreams. The Opera, the restaurant, Ben performing again...etc. Each was successful in it's own right and we could have stuck with any one of them.  The timing wasn't right for all of them and while I miss some of those things I'm grateful life brought us here. We can't ever say we didn't try. I'm bouncing around here.

My main point is while we may not have a lot to show for our hard work in our bank account- we do in our lessons learned! And so I can choose to feel tainted and picked on- or grateful that I haven't peaked yet. We are still so young and have such a long time to work towards the goals we have! It won't happen this year...maybe not even next. Maybe not for 10 years. But it WILL happen!

Here's to dreaming again. Not listening to our doubts and fears of the future.  Becoming the people we want to be!