Let's face it

Being a mom is hard. Running a business is hard. Struggling through a broke life is hard. When I say broke I mean no money...mulah...cash to spend etc. Been that way for 4 1/2 out of the five years we've been married. Stupid economy. I still hate it. Some have moved on from their hateful relationship with the economy. Not us. We still loathe it. We still hold it responsible for our fate in life. We still wonder what if about different paths we could have taken in life. Not about each other that's for sure. And not about our kids. We're glad they're here. But let me say this. They definitely add pressure to succeed that makes life a little bit more stressful. We can't even entertain the thoughts of "When will we buy a home?" or "Should we start saving for their missions?". Cuz guess what? We can't even afford to move out! But I digress...

The past 3 1/2 years since I became a mom have been the HARDEST years. Harder than being a teenager. Harder than my divorce. I'm sleep deprived, ornery and sometimes downright angry at life. I always thought I'd be this FUN mom who did projects and taught my kids how to read before they were 3. HA! That's the kind of BIG SISTER I was. To my SISTERS. Who were MELLOW.

It's not for lack of trying. I have experimented with all types of projects and interests with Connor. He's simply too busy to care. Playdough is only fun for 2 minutes. Coloring? RIGHT. More like chewing the crayons to bits.  Museums? A migraine. Touching everything that says DO NOT TOUCH will give any mother a panic attack. Splash pad? I'm the one frantic trying to find where my kid ran off to in the .5 seconds it took me to pick up Parker out of the water. Reading? It's gotten better but we still rarely make it through a whole book without him wandering away. And when I sit in his room to play with him, he wanders out and gets into OTHER things. When I need him to be sleeping suddenly everything in his room is fun and he wants to play with it. When we go to the studio he refuses to sit still and watch his favorite show. When we come home he begs to watch TV. My kids only eat two things. PB&J or mac and cheese. Occasionally they'll eat a quesadilla, but smoothies are the only way I sneak their nutrients in and if I make it wrong, they won't eat it.

But let me just express some of the best moments I've had lately as their mom.

Going outside at 1:30 in the morning to show Parker that it's dark outside and he should be asleep. It  felt so nice outside and was so peaceful. I almost just sat out there with him. I should have.

Hearing Connor say "I love Heavenly Father...he makes everything SO beautiful in the summertime."

Hearing Parker say "EEn up!" When he hears the primary CD start to play in the car. He obviously listens to those songs when they clean up in nursery.

Hearing Connor say of his own free will "I love you mommy"...I remember wondering when he would do that without me saying it first. He says it a lot. Probably more than I do. I better change that.

Parker laying his head on my shoulder when I first get him up from bed time or his naps. He's the best snuggler.

Seeing my kids light up when I tell them good job or laugh at their silliness.

Watching them play together and ENJOY each other. The moments before the fighting breaks out ;)

Hearing Connor have perfect manners and speaking to adults like he's an adult himself. Without sounding like a weird kid...you know the type that don't even seem like kids? Connor has sheer innocence and just loves to TALK to people.

Seeing Connor hold hands with a girl in his primary class as they walk down the hall for singing time.

Holding Parker's hand in the car as we drive.

Hearing Parker sing along to his favorite songs on the radio. Ones I didn't even realize he knew.

Parker saying "too" when I say I love you. He is already responding that he loves me too.

Seeing their excitement when I come home from work. Sometimes running for me so fast they fall on their faces!

I could go on and on...and maybe I'll add more later. I know these moments will creep by so fast. The weeks and months disappear before my eyes. I only have less than 2 decades to spend being their "mommy". I already ache inside when I think of them as men with wives and kids of their own. I want them to be my babies forever. Even when I get no sleep and rely on caffeine to keep me alive.

I hope one day they will have forgotten the times I yelled and remember how hard I tried to teach them and to be their best friend. I hope I can keep a spirit of love and joy and laughter in our home. I hope I can keep a prayer in my heart as I raise these strong little boys to be valiant young men. I hope they always have tenderness in their voices when they talk to me. I hope they respect me even when they hate me.  I hope they trust me in their darkest moments. I am so thankful to be their mother. They will never know how their being in this world has made mine better.